o Face away from the sun. The last thing you want is to be blinded.

o Stand near a tree. It's not just marking your territory. A tree offers shelter, a buffer from the wind, and will shield you from beta rays.

o Clear away the ground beneath your feet of leaves and dead foliage. The last thing you need is a slug crawling up your inner thigh while your hands are otherwise disposed. Take Me Out to the Ballgame

o First rule: Remember that with the beer most likely comes peanuts. Urinate often, since the peanuts will get your bowels moving faster than a Randy Johnson pitch to the head.

o If you watch ballgames in a domed stadium, get a life.

o We all know that only losers and small children use the commode in a stadium. For real guys, sinks are the logical urine receptacles. They come in handy in a variety of ways. First, when the line for urinals is backed up, you don't have to find a drain in the tiled floor. Second, sometimes those urinals get pretty disgusting, what with people not flushing, cigarette butts and hot dog bits. Best of all, when you're done, you can wash your hands ­ if you're a little Mary girl, that is. Rock 'N' Roll

o The last thing you want to do at an outdoor concert is use the porta-potties. It seems that they're manufactured with the stench built in. Best place to go ­ right behind the row of portable sanitation units. Typically arranged close together, they offer privacy from prying eyes, and if security catches you, just claim a bad hit of herbal ecstasy made you think you were peeing in the blue plastic haze of the porta-head.

o Smoke 'em if you got 'em. If a happenin' rock babe happens by while you're in this compromising position, you don't want to look like a dork with Mr. Happy waving around. Whether you smoke or not, the only way to look cool in this situation is to have a butt dangling from your lips ­ a cigarette butt. Or better yet, a cigar.

o Wear sunglasses. Even at night. See above.

o Look straight ahead, not around, and certainly not at your business. It's important to remember that you have to do this, it's natural, and you're not ashamed.

o When you're done, whip up your pants and go about your business. This is no time to linger. Night in the City

o It's late. You're making your way home and you really have to go, but the diners are all closed, and good luck getting past the throngs at the sports bar! Nuzzle up against a building and pretend you're puking. Puking is okay. Peeing will get you a ticket. Go figure.

o It's raining. You want a little shelter from the elements while you're whizzing away the hours. Stand under an arched doorway, but be careful that where you're standing is not sloped. The last thing you want is roll-back. Unless, of course, you're wearing gum-sole shoes. Then it doesn't matter. And if you're wearing Doc Martens, pee directly on them. You'll be amazed at how supple it makes the leather.

o Do not let your friends pee with you. Yes, there's strength in numbers, but then again, that's the risk. Before you know it, the sheer volume is propelling voluminous amounts of liquid all over the pavement. And then, even worse, one hardly-pubescent amigo decides it's time to start, you know, "dueling."

o Older, more traditional urban centers like New York will gladly turn a blind eye to public urination as long as you're not grandstanding. One "whoo-hoo," though, and you can count on a summons being stuck in your zipper. Final note. Button fly jeans work well. They improve dexterity while eliminating fear of a rapid retreat.

­ Steven Korowitz