No, this isn't a game of "one of these things is not like the other. Yaddle, for the teeming throngs of you who don't know, was an actual character featured in that bigwig Star Wars prequel. But you'll never know.
 
And boy, is Yaddle bitter.
VERY bitter.
 
"George Lucas is a punk-ass bitch," Yaddle said to me in lieu of a greeting, as I met her for our interview appointment at Fashion Cafe in midtown Manhattan. And if anyone can call the richest sci-fi geek in the world a punk-ass bitch, it's her.
Okay, first the facts. Yaddle was intended to be a character featured as part of the jedi council in the Phantom Menace Episode One Blah Blah Etc. blockbuster. Her selling point (in other words, what would earn her an action figure in her likeness) was to be that shewas a female counterpart of Yoda. Imagine the little feller with a vagina and a smart bobbed haircut, and voila - Yaddle!
 
Before the movie's release, the Internet and countless other geek forums were abuzz with the news of this new diva. Bootlegged home movies were broadcast on the net featuring a dolled-up Yoda portraying a speculated version of Yaddle, starring in everything fromcrude counterfeit versions of Phantom Menace scenes to a wacky (if not unintentionally poignant) take-off of the Pamela and Tommy Lee sex tape.
 
But alas, the buzz would fall flat on its face like someone flipping off a sailor on a deserted Chicago street at midnight. Most of Yaddle's scenes were introduced only to the cutting room floor, and what remained in the final cut were simple, fleeting images of a brown heap of dusty crag crumpled up in the corner of the jedi council chamber scenes. This would be all that would remain of Yaddle's claim to fame.
 
Despite this crippling blow, Yaddle is making like the Empire and striking back. She has filed a record 13 lawsuits against Lucasfilm LTD for offenses including Breach of Contract, Emotional Distress, Property Damage and Sexual Harassment ("no more Linda Hunt jokes - EVER!" Yaddle says of the harassment charge). Additionally, Yaddle isbreaking out on her own, as an actress, a writer and a singer ("I can also do 'the wave' with my ears," Yaddle says).
 
Despite the rumors that Lucas wants to bury the hatchet with Yaddle by producing a direct-to-video movie adventure starring her and Wald, the little fake-looking Greedo kid who had a much larger part in Phantom Menace, this is one ancient green withered troll of a two-foot tall woman who is more than willing to call her own shots.
 
KITO:
Let's start with the rumors, because I'm sure that's what people are most curious about. First, is it true that you're really nothing more than a recycled Prarie Dawn muppet?
 
YADDLE Can I just tell you how fucking sick I am of that question? Am I purple? Do I have yellow yarn hair? Frankly, do I look like that much of a TWIT? People think "Yoda" and they think "Muppet." Yeah, okay, so I was a muppet. I'm sure there are people with much worse credit histories, thank you VERY much.
 
KITO: Did you get to fiddle with Yoda's wang?
 
YADDLE I wouldn't touch that old skeeve's schlong if I were a crackhead and he had a glass pipe for a weiner! Besides, he wouldn't be interested in me, anyway. IF YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. I don't have the right equipment to clear HIS drains. The flappy little skank.
 
KITO: Are you saying Yoda is gay?
 
YADDLE I ain't saying nothing. But did you see anyone else mounted on Luke Skywalker's back in them Star Wars movies? Think about it.
 
KITO: I know this is a very sensitive subject for you, but you look almost EXACTLY like Linda Hunt.You know, from "The Relic" and "The Year of Living Dangerously"?
 
YADDLE Linda is a good friend. We went to get manicures last week, and it's always a treat to do that with her, because she understands what it's like to only have three fingers and go get a manicure.
 
KITO: Not to mention your nails look like they're, what, about an inch thick?
 
YADDLE They have to file these suckers down with a sandblaster. But look at my nails - I had them write out the word "BITCH," with one letter on each nail. After it was too late, we all remembered I don't have enough fingers to spell the word out. So, as you can see, one hand says "BIT" and the other hand says "CH" and I have a semi-colon painted on my pinky.
 
KITO: Why a semi-colon?
 
YADDLE It was a colon, but then I thought oh great, a colon on my pinky. People will have a field day with that.
 
KITO: So do you feel as if you were slighted by your removal from the recent Star Wars movie?
 
YADDLE I got screwed like a sheep at a monastery. Look, it's like this. I did some research on myself. I looked at some of the Star Wars geekazoid sites out there, and they can't even get my identity right. These are people who can tell you how long Boba Fett's hemorrhoids are TO THE MILLIMETER - yet, I read stuff about myself like "Yaddle is the pink, Yoda-like male with one eye at the end of the movie," and "Yaddle is a young version of Yoda with a receeding hairline." I saw a sketch of what was supposed to be me on one of them websites, and it looked like goddam DAVID CROSBY! And it's all that slut Lucas' fault. Potbellied redneck pinko bastard.
 
KITO: Do you see pictures of Jar-Jar Binks and think "that could have been me?"
 
YADDLE Thank God it WASN'T me! Jar-Jar...or "Waa-Waa" as we called him on the set...talk about a walking car crash. I know I'm already in hot water for starting some nasty rumors in this interview, but let me just leave it at this: let's just say Jar-Jar's riding the horse. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. And he's quite the pussy.
 
KITO: So what color is Yaddle's parachute now?
 
YADDLE Brown. The color of success.
 
KITO: Any Yaddle projects we can look forward to?
 
YADDLE It is my dream to drive Meg Ryan out of Hollywood. I'm sick of her shitty little pug face and her fart-like performances. I'm in pre-production for a movie not unlike "You've Got Mail," only it's about these two people who actually HATE each other, and they e-mail computer viruses back and forth to each other. But meanwhile, they're dating each other and they don't know that they're actually enemies over e-mail. It's going to be good. I think there's going to be a Baldwin involved.
 
KITO: And you're the love interest?
 
YADDLE No, I'm going to portray the personification of the computer virus.
 
KITO: Okay, one last question. Why don't you talk all funny and backwards like Yoda?
 
YADDLE My emerald butthole you must kiss, chump.
 
As of now, people know who Yaddle is.